maddifestations

First, let me begin by apologizing for my absence. I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve shared my opinions unwantedly and I’m glad to finally be back to doing so!

As for my explanation, I don’t have one. What with impending graduation (tomorrow) and numerous Senior events, the world of Maddifestations toppled down my list of priorities until I was left staring at my idle website and wondering where I’ve been for the last 5 months. But, in light of my final moments as a highschooler, I figured there’s no better time to make my grand re-entrance and talk a little bit about how it feels to be graduating.

Each day, I encounter a new “last”. Back in September – when the lasts began – they felt a little more whimsical and bittersweet rather than devastating and painful, because the “real” lasts felt too far away to make me sad yet. The last first day of school, although poignant and mildly upsetting, was exciting and promised the wonder of a new year.

As the year progressed, each last felt a little heavier. My last day of cheerleading in February was when I realized the whimsy was fading, and I was coming closer to the end of everything. My last performance for ballet came along, and suddenly the word last wasn’t just part of a sappy Instagram caption; it was an unfortunate truth.

Today, I am a high schooler. Tomorrow will be my last day with that title, the last time I walk into and out of my school, the last time I wave and shout at friends in the hallway. It also feels too much like the last time a “last” will be as exciting and meaningful as high school graduation feels.

I wish I could channel my heavy heart into words of encouragement like, “It’s never really an end, just a beginning” and “moments like these last forever!” But the thing about moments is that they don’t last forever. They come with speed and go just as fast.

That’s what I’ve been having the hardest time with throughout this year: accepting that moments are temporary. As a sentimental person, it’s so unbelievably difficult to stomach the idea that the best times of my life aren’t ever-present, rather they’re only tattooed on the timeline of my youth. Sometimes, I’d rather pretend that isn’t true and keep my eyes glued on the hazy mirage of forever. Trust me, I’ve tried to ignore the rapid speed at which Senior year flew by and convince myself that I have more time, but that never stopped me from crying.

Two weeks ago, I’ll admit I tried that exact method: tell myself time isn’t passing, try not to cry, focus on the future. I might’ve been doing fine until a faithful Friday when my AP Lit teacher gifted our class a few poems as a parting gift for our last lesson. Among them, was “In Blackwater Woods” by Mary Oliver. When my watery eyes subsided and I could successfully read again, I found that Oliver’s words granted me an understanding of my very own emotions and answered my qualm of what to do when the time just keeps slipping away.

So, while I can’t, in good consciousness, tell you that moments live forever, I can grace you with a small excerpt of wisdom from Ms. Oliver herself:

“To live in this world

You must be able

To do three things:

To love what is mortal;

To hold it

Against your bones knowing your own life depends on it;

And, when the time comes to let it go,

To let it go.”

Mary Oliver                              

While I could talk for hours about this entire poem (which you all should read) and each lines nuanced implications, these last few lines stuck out to me the most because they’ve been able to help me grow a little closer to accepting time’s greedy hands, and they’ve made me more conscious of what I can do with each moment while I still have the chance:

1. Love what is mortal                              

To me, this means spending time with the friends I’ll have to leave at the end of the summer, the family I’ll be far away from soon, and the teachers I’ll have to treasure from afar. I’ve spent as much time as possible with these people, making sure to enjoy every moment so I don’t have to wish I had more. This also means loving my town and my neighborhood. I’ve tried my best to take advantage of the beautiful streets where I grew up, often taking the long way home and spending a little more time looking out the window at the familiar sights I’ll miss.

2. Hold things with all one’s might

My camera – “Pierce” to those who know him – has been just about everywhere with me this year. I’ve taken hundreds of pictures at any chance I’ve gotten just to hold onto the moments I want to remember. Pierce’s snapshots aren’t the only way I’ve held onto moments, though. Mary Oliver claims that not only do we need to hold onto moments with all our strength, but we must also cling to them while we can like our lives depend on it. Her fierce bravery and relentless vulnerability is utterly powerful and reminded me that to hold something so tightly takes a lot of strength. The cool thing about being strong, is that it looks different for everyone. As lame as it sounds, I’ve cried at any and every time I felt the tears forming. I’ve laughed and screamed and danced every time I felt I should. That’s how I’ve exhibited my strength. Feeling each emotion so intensely is what has helped me to hold on like my life depends on it. I’ve experienced every single emotion in the last 8 months, and in doing so, I’ve been able to fully feel every moment so that when it slips into my mental abyss, I won’t forget how it made me feel.

3. Let each moment go

This is the worst part. Letting go is nearly impossible and seems so contradictory when all you try to do is hold on, but not even the most tears and laughs can stop you from eventually needing to shed the weight of the past. I feel sick even writing this because I’m still finding it so so SO hard to let go of everything I want to keep forever. I want to be little forever. I want to be young and naive and emotional and curious forever. I want to stay, right where I am, for as long as I can. No matter how many eyelashes and birthday candles I wish on though, I know that I can’t do that. Moments are not forever, they’re painfully and heartbreakingly ephemeral. That heartbreak leaves you wondering, “how can I possibly let go?” I asked myself that same question, and I found that the answer is this: you can’t. You cannot choose to let go; it’s just simply not your decision to make. Your head and your heart will know when the time is right to let ships sail and make room for new ones. The only thing you can do is accept that it will happen. Eventually, you’ll think back on old times, and you won’t cry, you’ll smile. You’ll remember old friends and old stories and feel grateful, not sad. You’ll even think about how sad you were to graduate and realize that the pain isn’t so bad anymore. Only then will you be ready, and only then will you know that you’ve let it go.

After all is said and done, I know that if I have nothing, I have my memories, and I’d like to mention that concept before I get back to talking about moments. Unfortunately, I won’t ever get back an experience or a feeling, but I have some piece of mind knowing my recollections will be etched in my brain for as long as I live. Still, a moment is so much more real and raw than a memory ever will be. It’s like watching a really good movie for the first time, then watching it again after. The movie is still good, but it’s never the same again. That’s how the difference between a moment vs. a memory feels to me. I suppose their difference is why we’re blessed enough to have them both.

What I want to say, is that as sad as it feels and as much as it sucks (because it really really does), every moment passes. Even the especially blue ones, like these last few I have before I graduate.

I know it feels so wrong, but like the sun is meant to rise, time is meant to pass. Just because I’m saying all this doesn’t mean I’m good at letting moments be momentary. It is something I’m working at and will continue to work at for a long time. Right now, the best I can do is take my own advice (and Mary Oliver’s).

I know I’ll be okay; I know we will all be okay, if we love, hold, and let go. And, in doing so, truly treasure each second before it’s just a memory and treat each moment like it really is our last.